Republican Jesus’™ Ten Commandments
And Lo, did Republican Jesus™ come down among the masses and holding his tablet PC, did he give unto his disciples the NEW (and improved) Ten Commandments. “I am the Lord your God, who brought you out of the land of Socialism, out of the house of Communism.”
1. You shall have no other gods before me, especially that terrorist monkey god, Mohammed.[i]
2. You shall not make for yourself any carved image; you shall not bow down to them nor serve them except for the Holy Benjamins. For I, the Lord your God, am a jealous God, visiting poverty of the fathers on the children of those (as in those people) who hate me, but showering material riches unto thousands, to those who love Me and keep My commandments. Also, you shall have guns. All you want.
3. You shall not take the name of your God, Ronald Reagan, in vain, for the Lord will hold him guiltless of treason and malfeasance.
4. Remember the Sabbath day, to keep it holy. If you are a CEO of a Fortune 500 company, six days you shall labor and do all your work, that should just about do it for the year[ii], but the seventh day is the Sabbath of the Lord your God. In it you shall do no work: you, nor your son, nor your daughter, nor the stranger who is within your country illegally unless they are off the books then they shall work all seven days without respite. For in six days the Lord made the heavens and the earth, the sea, and all that is in them, including dinosaur bones and rested the seventh day.
5. Honor your father and your mother by ensuring that they keep their Social Security even as you shall taketh it away from all others.
6. You shall not murder unless they are Muslim. Or gay. Or abortion doctors. Or government workers. Or black. Or whatever group is currently out of favor with mine chosen White (not white, White) People.
7. You shall not commit adultery and get caught during an election year.
8. You shall not steal unless it’s from the workers’ pensions.[iii]
9. You shall not bear false witness against your neighbor. Just kidding, Mr. Beck.
10. You shall not covet your neighbor’s house; you shall not covet your neighbor’s wife, nor his manservant, nor his maidservant, nor his ox, nor his donkey, nor anything that is your neighbor’s. Instead, you shall go forth and buy these things for yourself on credit and keep the “too big to fail” banks happy.