Proud to be a Filthy Liberal Scum

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Archive for the category “Humor”

The Republican Alphabet

Most people don’t know this, but Michelle Bachmann used to teach a remedial English course. She started with the basics:

A is for Anti-Christ. See B & O.

B is for Barack – Isn’t that an “exotic” name for a President? George, Ronald and Sarah are far more American sounding.

C is for Christ, who informs all of my decisions, including the ones where I discriminate against the poor and sick. Just like He would!

D is for Death panels and they’re coming to unplug Grandma!

E is for Electoral campaign finance reform. AHAHAHAHAAHH! Just kidding! The letter E is brought to you by, well, I don’t really have to tell you that anymore, do I?

F is for Fascism!!! BE READY TO VIOLENTLY FIGHT THE FASCIST LIBERAL GOVERNMENT AT ANY TIME!!! Nothing bad ever happens when you live your life by this doctrine. If it does, it’s an isolated incident (see I).

G is for God, Guns & Guts. Everything a population needs to run a country wisely.

H is for Health care reform. Get the guns; they’re coming for Grandma again!

I(1) is for Immigration. “Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses yearning to breathe free” and I will do everything in my power to disenfranchise and demonize them as a way to maintain the White (not white, White, how many times do I have to clarify that?) hegemony.

I(2) is for Isolated Incident. These unfortunate events that only appear to have been instigated by violent rhetoric are totally unrelated to any other letter in this list (See A,B,D,F,G,H,L,N,O,P,U,X).  Unless the offender is a liberal, then it’s MSNBC’s fault.

J is for Jesus. I can never have too much of him in my life and I want to make sure he’s part of YOURS too, whether you like it or not.

K is for Kansas and Kentucky where evolution is a four letter word. No, seriously, our education system is so bad we can’t spell but wee no wi ain’t relaytuhd 2 no munkey!

L is for Liberal. Liberals hate you and everything about you. They’re plotting to take over the country by force. They also happen to be total wimps and weaklings who hate guns. How are wimps and weaklings without guns going to take over the country? Please see Q.

M is for Marriage between a man and a woman ONLY. Even if it’s Brittany Spears’ 55 hour marriage, it’s still sacred, dammit!

N(1) is for Nazi. Nazis want to destroy America. Anyone who disagrees with you is one of these.

N(2) is for Nig…well I won’t say THAT word about those people or the liberal thought police will come for me but I think you know what I mean (wink wink).

O is for Obama. See N(1) and N(2).

P is for President 1.The highest office of the land. The most powerful man in the world (for now…Palin in 2012!), deserving of our respect and admiration and love and full support during a time of war 2. A secret Muslim foreigner terrorist sympathizer that is out to kill you and all you hold dear. It depends on who we are talking about. See O.

Q is for questions. Never ask any. Ever. About anything.

R is for Ronald Reagan. Ronnie represented a righteous religious revival and rapacious right-wing Republican revolution that ruined Russia. It doesn’t matter that, by the time he left office, he was unable to repeat or understand the previous sentence.

S(1) is for Sarah Palin. Sister Sarah symbolizes strength, serenity, sweetness and street smarts. She supports several serious stances on society’s struggles. Which ones? All potential interviewers please see Q.

S(2) is for Science which is Satan’s tool. Again, please see Q.

T is for Tea Party. The Tea Party tactlessly trampled through a thicket of town halls by throwing tenacious televised tantrums about terrible tax increases that never happened. “Alliteration? That one of them fancy college words for taking away my Medicare?”

U is for Us vs. Them.

V is for Voting. Voting is a God given right that we would NEVER think of interfering with by gerrymandering Congressional districts, underfunding voting machines in low income areas, mailing fliers to African Americans with false information, using robo-call centers to convince Hispanics to not vote in protest or anything else you can think of. If you do think of anything else, whatever you do, please don’t suggest it your local GOP campaign headquarters. (1-800-drty-trk)

W is for Wealth redistribution. What goes up must never come down. That would be class warfare!

X is for Xenophobia (courtesy of Chuck Hutchings). “HELLO? WHICH. WAY. TO. THE. BATHROOM? EL BANO? DO. YOU. SPEAK. AMERICAN? Good lord, I hate Canada!”

Y Is for Yesterday when things were so much better than they are today. Women and Negroes knew their place and pinko commie liberals were blacklisted. Don’t you wish we could go back to those good ol’ days? So do we and we’re trying as hard as we can!

Z is for Zero accountability (courtesy of Dave Mann). Words are completely powerless. If words had ANY kind of power at all, our Founding Fathers would have used them to declare our independence or elevated them to first among our rights. So stop blaming every death threat, attempted assassination, anti-government militia and shooting spree on us. It was an isolated incident. They all isolated incidents! See I(2)

Poll Time!!!!

A Quick Look Back One Year Ago At The GOP Primaries And The Death Of bin Laden (INFOGRAPHIC)

This was put out by Funny or Die right after bin Laden was captured alive and tortured hunted down and killed by George Bush signed a 100 year contract as a Fox News contributor sold out by fellow Muslim Barack Obama killed by American soldiers under orders from a president who was actually interested in doing the job he was elected for. Even a year ago the GOP was insisting it didn’t mean anything and they had to be reminded that, yes, it was a BFD. 

Notice how Santorum and Gingrich aren’t on here? That’s because no one thought they would find billionaire sugar daddies to keep them in the race long after their expiration date. But don’t let anyone ever tell you that Citizens United didn’t do anything to distort the process. Nope. Uh-uh. Absolutely not.

That’s What She Said!

Bowchickabowwow!

“I promise you, the president has a big stick. I promise you.” Vice President Joe Biden

Do you think the reason the GOP hates Obama so much has to do with certain feelings of… inadequacy?

Didn’t Conservatives Use To Be Tough? or “Where Have All The Cowboys Gone?”

Between the time when the country elected Reagan and the rise of the Party of Tea, there was an age undreamed of. And unto this, the Conservative, bold and manly but destined to wear the thorned crown of martyrdom upon a troubled brow. It is I, The filthy liberal scum, who alone can tell thee of his downfall. Let me tell you of the days of high pitched whining!

It’s true! Once, there were herds of Manly Conservatives thundering across the country. The Manly Conservative was self-assured and tough. They smoked cigarettes and drove pickup trucks like the mighty Marlboro Man. The Manly Conservative was master of all he surveyed. Women quivered and swooned at his approach and they knew exactly who was in charge. He strode the land as a colossus, secure in the knowledge that he was the epitome of all that was good and strong in America. John Wayne was his role model. Ronald Reagan, his idol. John Rambo, his non-gay man-crush.

But, alas, they are gone now. No more shall the Manly Conservative stand before TV cameras and belligerently bellow “Bring it on!” while other Manly Conservatives fainted from testosterone overdose. No more shall they casually make racist jokes in public knowing that it was socially acceptable and even if it wasn’t, they did it anyway. Those days are tragically gone.

The Manly Conservative, you see, evolved. Or rather, he devolved. The election of a black president combined with the almost total Democratic control of both Houses of Congress led to a freakish transformation. The Manly Conservative vanished, almost overnight, as the dinosaurs once did. In its place we find now the Whining Insecure Martyred Pansy or WIMP for short.

The WIMP was once thought to be the ancestor of the Progressive Liberal but recent studies have found that while they exhibit some of the characteristics of a WIMP, the Progressive Liberal is actually more closely related to the WYRM (We Yes Republican Motions). The WYRM is a spineless Earth loving peacenik that avoids confrontation whenever possible. Both the WYRM and the WIMP share the self defense mechanism of complaining a lot but that is where the similarities end. The WYRM is in the process of developing a spine and becoming a true fire breathing DRAGUN (Darn Right Americans Gave Up Nonsense) while the WIMP has lost its backbone and has taken to wallowing in its own filth.

The WIMP specializes in angry incoherence to scare away predators. When confronted by its natural enemy, the mainstream media, the WIMP begins a ritualistic bellowing and stomping in order to confuse and confound. Direct questions are answered with bizarre, rambling statements containing little to no substance. Occasionally, the WIMP will have the media banned or detained so as not to be unduly burdened with having to justify any previous statements. Of course, these are all used as a last resort. The preferred method of avoiding scrutiny is for the WIMP to remain in its lair at Fox, nestled snuggly among fellow WIMPs.

The WIMP is a truly sad creature, having only recently lost its ability to stand upright, it still remembers its glory days. It looks to them often as a balm for the anger it feels at having been bumped off of its comfortable perch at the top the political food chain. To this end, the WIMP has grown a pair of rose tinted lens over its eyes. This would not be such a problem but for the fact that the eyes have also migrated to the back of the WIMP’s head. This bizarre adaption has resulted in a peculiar condition where the WIMP moves forever backwards while mistaking this motion as progress of some sort.

Another fascinating adaptation of the WIMP is its ability to play the victim card at almost supernatural speeds. This skill, dubbed “the Palin”, is frequently used to deflect criticism away from the WIMP. The ironic nature of this defense is easily recognized but the WIMP employs it with such skill that it is not easy to overcome. Where once the WIMP was the predator, boldly feasting upon the easily cowed masses, it is has been reduced to a sniveling pseudo-victim eagerly lapping up the scraps left to it by its corporate masters. Such a majestic specimen laid so low is sometime difficult to watch.

But there is still useful lessons to learn from the WIMP. Its migration pattern is very interesting. When confronted with adverse sociopolitical conditions, the WIMP tries to run away from the source of its irritation. The normal pattern is one of WIMP Flight, where the WIMP moves towards a greater concentration of its own kind and away from those it considers “different” or “dangerous.” But the rarest of WIMP migrations is the dreaded secession. There is only one recorded instance of secession in the lineage of the WIMP. This was during the time of its ancient ancestor, the Racist Pig.

The Racist Pig was a proud and powerful creature that fell victim to the twin scourges of morality and history. The Racist Pig was on the wrong side of both and was rendered mostly extinct. Those that survived eventually became the Manly Conservative. Some traits were retained, like a deep seated hatred for black culture and a desire for the “good old days” that they have been trying to emulate ever since with little luck.

Today’s WIMP makes simpering sounds similar to the secession song of the Racist Pig but is lacking the nerve to follow through with a second mass migration. Partly because it’s afraid but mostly because it knows it is incapable of taking care of itself despite insisting that it is a strong, independent, self-made WIMP. Sometimes the WIMP uses this delusional declaration to incite riotous laughter in others as a means of slipping away unnoticed. The Great Attempted Secession of the Racist Pig is the stuff of legends among WIMPs who long to be free of the ridicule of those it considers inferior. Unlike its ignoble ancestor, however, the WIMP never intends on following through with its childlike threats of running away from home.

Overall, the WIMP is but a shadow of its former self. It can still rear up and roar but the roar becomes less convincing every day. WYRMs and DRAGUNs, inured to the fake umbrage of the WIMP, have begun to encroach deeply into its territory. Unused to actually having to face a fair fight, the WIMP attempts to subvert the natural order by buying elections but this is only a stopgap measure. In the fullness of time, the WIMP, unable to adapt to its new environment, will become an endangered species. Children will read about it in history books and marvel how such a creature could have once been so dominant in a country built on diversity and equality.

But fear not! There will always be a safe haven for the remaining WIMPs to propagate their peculiar brand of empty anger. The DRAGUNs will fence off a preserve where the WIMP can live unmolested by the modern world and its frightening progress. The living conditions will be the worst in the country but the WIMP will not notice. Amid the future wastelands of Texas, the WIMP will truly be at home.

Republican Jesus™

When I was a kid, I was taught that the Pilgrims fled to the New World to escape religious persecution. Somewhere in there, I learned that we don’t have a national religion and people were free to practice whatever religion they wanted. That was kind of it as far as religion went in my history classes and overall education. Sure, Jews were mentioned in the context of the Holocaust but more as a race than a religion. I did, however, attend Synagogue for a few years as an adolescent. I viewed it more as learning my heritage as opposed to actively worshiping. Even then, I was not inclined towards belief. Probably because my parents were more interested in making sure I was curious about stuff instead of learning any particular dogma. Religion was, for me, just something that other people did. It would be many years before I understood I was an atheist and even more years until I stumbled across Dawkins, Hitchens, et. al and learned how to verbalize it.

Through all of this, it never occurred to me that I would ever have to worry about a particular set of religious values being forced upon me. I always assumed that religion was a private thing, practiced in one’s home or place of worship. That was it. Even in college, I rarely came across any real religious zeal. I once took a trip down to Washington DC with the Young Republicans club because they were my friends and they invited me to go. I got to meet Oliver North (yay me?) who was so exact in his pose with each of us, from me at 6’2” to little Jen, all of 5’1”, that to this day, I cannot convince people the pictures are not of us next to a cardboard cutout.

But even with the Young Republicans during that first Bush presidency, I wasn’t assaulted with any kind of religious politics. I did find a good deal of racism which gave me a big clue about how Republicans see the world. I was totally apolitical at the time and had no idea what the difference between a Democrat and a Republican was. I didn’t read, or watch, the news and no one had ever mentioned it in any of my classes. My political education was also sorely lacking. It irritates me when I think back on it.

Fast forward to the George W. Bush years. I had been aware of the Evangelical movement back in the 80s but Creationism still wasn’t being taught in schools and Roe v. Wade hadn’t been overturned on religious grounds. But during Bush’s tenure, I started hearing the more than occasional remark about how not believing in God makes you a bad American and if you were a LIBERAL that didn’t believe in God? Scum of the Earth!

Wait a minute. Not believing in God (or, more precisely, not believing in a very specific version of God) makes me a bad American? How does that even work? This country was founded on religious freedom and the explicit separation of Church and State, wasn’t it? And that’s when I became acquainted with Republican Jesus™.

Who the hell is Republican Jesus™?

Republican Jesus™ is very different than the Jesus you and I are familiar with. First off, he is White. Not just white, but White. Republican Jesus™ has a special place in his heart for America. Specifically, White America. Do you doubt this? Ask yourself why anyone who believes in a colorblind Jesus would even conceive of praying for the death of Obama? No, only those who follow Republican Jesus™ would think that such a prayer could, or should, be answered. If you are currently thinking that racism has nothing to do with the unprecedented hatred of Obama, go away, I’m talking to the grownups.

Republican Jesus™, by the way, is a big supporter of the Confederacy. Why he let them lose the War of Northern Aggression is a mystery. But all “real” Americans know that the South will rise again and Republican Jesus™ will lead the way back to glory. Or something like that. How the Northern and Mid-western Red states fit into this Southern revival is also a mystery.

Republican Jesus™ loves guns. Loves them! Never mind all that silly talk of beating swords into plowshares! Every good member of the church of Republican Jesus™ should have, at minimum, enough armament to hold off an invasion by those commie Nazi liberal hordes that are coming any day now. Or the ATF, whichever shows up first. Or maybe just enough to wipe out a schoolroom filled with kids when their excellent parenting skills manifest themselves in the next Columbine tragedy.

Remember, conservatives, to complain about anti-bullying programs being government overreach afterwards!

Republican Jesus™ loves the rich. Ignore that whole “camel through the eye of a needle” garbage. Republican Jesus™ wants you to be prosperous! It’s called “prosperity theology” and it percolates throughout the conservative religious fervor. God rewards the faithful with material wealth. Very spiritual stuff. If your idea of spiritual is a McMansion.

But Republican Jesus™ is not just about love. Republican Jesus™ also hates and, boy, does he hate!

Republican Jesus™ hates the poor. This is the flip side of “prosperity theology.” If God rewards the faithful with riches, than the poor are obviously NOT of the faith and deserve what they get. This is, in part, why conservatives hate the social safety nets of welfare, food stamps and Medicaid. Those (and by “those” I mean those) people don’t worship Republican Jesus™ and are unworthy of being helped. Besides if you feed them, they’ll just breed!

Republican Lt. Gov. Andre Bauer of South Carolina actually said that. And he meant it.

Republican Jesus™ hates The Gay. They’re sinners, after all. It says so right there in the Bible next to the part about shellfish being an abomination. Nothing demonstrates the compassionate conservatives’ dedication to the teachings of Republican Jesus™ like blocking legislation for same sex marriage and calling homosexuals pedophiles while enjoying a nice shrimp cocktail before a delicious lobster dinner.

Also, Republican Jesus™ gave us AIDS, and STDs in general, as punishment for homosexuality. Of course, this ignores the fact that lesbians (a well-known subset of homosexuality) have the lowest rate of STDs, including AIDS, among all adult population groups. So as far as punishment goes, half of the “sinners” are better off than the rest of us, statistically speaking. Maybe Republican Jesus™ likes him some girl on girl action?

Republican Jesus™ hates Muslims. Muslims are scary because some of them do bad things to innocent people. That makes them all evil terrorists. This is not to be confused with White Christian Militia types who blow up abortion clinics or plot political assassinations in Republican Jesus’™ name. Those people are martyrs and heroes. Or they were crazy lone wolfs having nothing to do with Republican Jesus™. It depends on which channel you’re interviewing on, Fox or MSNBC.

Republican Jesus™ totally hates Liberals. Liberals are the pawns of Satan George Soros trying to destroy the greatest country ever made on this 6000 year old planet (conservative moderates are almost as bad and must be expunged!). Compromising with a Liberal is a terrible sin in the eyes of Republican Jesus™ and must not be tolerated.

Finally, Republican Jesus™ hates science. With a passion bordering on obsession. And that’s the topic of my next ivory tower snobby liberal thesis:  “Why DO conservatives hate science so much?” or “How I learned not to learn and trust my beer gut instead.”

Edited by Sherri Yarbrough

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I Give Fox News A New Jingle

Sung to the tune of “SpongeBob Squarepants” In Rupert Murdoch’s pirate voice in D Minor

Are you ready to lie? “Aye Aye, Murdoch.”
I can’t heeeeeear you! “AYE AYE, MURDOCH!!”

Ooooohhhhhhhh… Who lives in a bubble of mental disease?
Fox News scumbags!!

Dishonest is Bill-O and Sean on TV!
Fox News scumbags!!

If Republican nonsense be something you wish…
Fox News scumbags!!

Then shut off your brain and stare like a fish!
Fox News scumbags!!

Ready?
Fox News scumbags!! Fox News scumbags!!
Fox News scumbags!! Fox Neeeeeeews scumbaaaaaaags!!

HAR HAR HARRRR AAAARRRGGGG!

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